Hetalia Craigslist Ads
by mysoxlike2party
Summary: The Hetalia characters post their ads on Craigslist.
1. Awesome Roomie Seeking Roomie

**Anime**: Axis Powers Hetalia**  
>Rating<strong>: T **  
>Warnings<strong>: Language and suggestive themes.**  
>Pairings<strong>: None**  
>Disclaimer<strong>: Me no own the hetalia of the axis of the powers or Craigslist.**  
>Notes: <strong>Prussia's Craigslist Ad.

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><p><strong>Awesome roomie seeking potential roomie with four walls and a roof! And some central heating would be nice! (but not required!)<strong>

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><p>Date: 20**-09-22, 10:43PM CET<p>

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><p>Afternoon, potential roomie! Or good morning, evening, or whatever fucking time zone you're living in, doesn't goddamn matter to me, I'll kayak across the pacific ocean if that means I'll have a place to stay! That's right, I've been kicked out of my place. I used to live with my brother but now that he has a gay Italian boyfriend I am apparently chop liver, so he kicked me out claiming his reasons were "reasonable" and that I was "unsuitable as a living partner". Can you believe that guy? Those Germans, I'm telling ya!<p>

Anyways, I'm sure you're DYING to hear about what makes me such a suitable living partner. Well here goes! I'm a something-year old Prussian who graduated from Southern—WOAH! Hold the fucking phone! Did he just say _**Prussian**_? You bet your shiny ass I did! That's right, I'm Prussian, the only one left alive to be exact! How badass would it be to tell your friends that you have a mothafuckin' Prussian as a roommate? Let me tell you—VERY badass! You could even charge your friends $5 for a picture with me! I'm that rare!

Other than the awesome fact of being Prussian, I make pretty good income. A five-figure income to be exact. Holy crap! Did he just say five-figure? You bet you're non-Prussian shiny ass I did! That means my salary can range from $10,000-99,999! Holy moly! The possibilities! This man will be able to pay his rent without a doubt!

I'm not going to go on and on about my personality using vague characteristics like "nice" or "clean", because I don't need all that shit. Unlike many, I can describe myself in one word: FUCKING AWESOME. Well, two words, but you get the picture. Not enough for ya? Need some examples to convince your skeptical ass? Well, I got a boatload of examples for ya. I know how to cook. Like Italian? Christ, I can cook Italian till your stomach explodes. Living with my brother's Italian boyfriend forced me to cook Italian for dinner to suit HIS tastes. Hate Italian? FABULOUS, I'll never touch an Italian ingredient again as long as I may live. Gay and you're fretting if I'll have a problem with it? Don't fret! Even though my brother's boyfriend has traumatized me the core, I will but the past behind and welcome your homosexuality with sparkling rainbows and unicorns. As long as your porker stays at least a five-foot radius away from mine, we're all good. But wait, there's more! I am bilingual, bitches! English and German, fluent in both! You're landlord German? Wanna tell him to go fuck himself but don't wanna type Google fucking translate on your web browser? Do not lift your precious little finger, I have got you! Or maybe not, because that's you're fucking landlord! And you'd get us BOTH kicked out! So instead of telling you the translation, I'd lecture you on resilience and integrity and how you must retain those qualities to be successful and sane and all that crapola. So in the end, you come out as a better person! My God, this guy is the incarnation of Jesus!

Other things you might worry about: how much room is my handsome ass gonna take up? Answer: as much room as a fucking cockroach can take up! I am VERY adaptable and require VERY little space. long as I'm not in the gutter, I'm happy!

One more thing you might worry about: my excessive cursing. I apologize, but living with your gay brother's even gayer Italian boyfriend and hearing them fuck without them even trying to be quiet from the room over makes you retain some cursing and urge you to curse more often. But if you've got a problem with cursing and shit, I'll turn into Mother fucking Teresa and never utter a goddamn sin again. Unless you're one of those "well if it's in the goddamn bible" kind of people, then I'll curse like a sailor according to the bible.

So, shit! Reply to this ad if you could handle all this awesome! The requirements are that you are NOT living in a box, under the bridge, or any other public land in which you do NOT have four walls and a roof above your head. Whether you're in China, Mexico, Soviet fucking Union, I really don't care at this point! My brother already has my shit packed and ready to go! What a kind bruderlein! Did I mention I'm an ace at sarcasm? Mein Gott, his awesomeness never stops!

cats are OK – Did I mention I once owned a white Siberian tiger?

dogs are OK – I worked in a schutzhund training facility with my brother before he met his boyfriend, so if you want your dog to be terminator on four legs, I can do that.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: *******992

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><p><strong>[[Inspired to do this after reading a "Best Of" craigslist ad. Those are firetrucking hilarious.]]<strong>


	2. Closet Full o Crap

**Anime**: Axis Powers Hetalia**  
>Rating<strong>: T **  
>Warnings<strong>: Language**  
>Pairings<strong>: None**  
>Disclaimer<strong>: Me no own the hetalia of the axis of the powers or Craigslist.**  
>Notes: <strong>America's Craigslist Ad.

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><p><strong>Closet-Full-o'-Crap<strong>

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><p>Date: 20**-09-22, 10:43PM CET<p>

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><p>Pretty straightforward. I got this closet full of crap I don't need. I want it all gone, but I'd feel bad if I just threw it all away. I was trying to clean my closet out the other day but then I got depressed because all the items in that god-forsaken closet all hold some memory of the past, majority of them pretty painful memories. I had to go to therapy after picking up one or two items. So instead of crying my eyes out to the therapist every time I pick up an object, why not just give the crap away and never have to deal with it again? I don't even want money, just take what you want. There's so much in that closet but I'll give you some examples of what the hell's in there.<p>

-An old musket from the Revolutionary War. Probably worth some good $ on eBay. I'd sell it, but I can't even look at the damn thing without banging my head against the wall trying to repress depressing memories. So if you're a collector or want some quick cash, my closet is where you should be headed.

-An old Revolutinary coat. Like the musket, another likely contender for some quick cash on eBay. Has some old ketchup stains, but that's what makes it so vintage.

-An old broom. Need a broom? Well I just solved your dilemma.

-A dead rat. You can probably have it stuffed or something, hang it above your mantle place, shit I dunno

-A semi-complete chess set.

-A bunch of disturbing nutcrackers.

-An old ass toothbrush.

-A dusty suit.

-A crapload of books. I never read any of them, a friend gave them to me, so they're in mint condition. Pretty stupid of him too, he of all people should know I never read.

-And much much more. Everything's free, so just take what you want. You'll seriously be helping me out here. So come on down to my closet! Please! I'm close to suicide after looking at the musket a second time…

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: *******475


	3. Antique British Items for Sale

**Anime**: Axis Powers Hetalia  
><strong>Rating<strong>: T **  
>Warnings<strong>: Language**  
>Pairings<strong>: None**  
>Disclaimer<strong>: Me no own the hetalia of the axis of the powers or Craigslist.**  
>Notes: <strong>England's Craigslist Ad.

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><p><strong>Antique British Items for Sale<strong>

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><p>Date: 20**-02-03, 4:13PM UTC<p>

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><p>Good day, Craigslist! I have up for sale a few antique items that may spark your interest given their history. Collectors rejoice, you won't find my items elsewhere.<p>

I have an extremely old tea-set used by the King of England himself back in his old "I'm keeping the colonies RAWR" days. He'd always have a cup of tea before embarking on his daily rants over the mischievous America. And God did he have every right to complain. Given its age and history I am asking for a bajillion pounds. Too lazy to convert that into US dollars. What? Bajillion isn't a real number? Fool, you can't lowball me.

Next is an antique British chair. Obviously used for sitting. I am unaware of its history; I've used it as, obviously a chair, for my desk but I've grown to realize it is bloody ugly against my new drapes. Asking for a zillion pounds. It's British so that fact itself makes it valuable.

Finally, a typewriter. This is actually a prized possession of mine; I've had it since my glory days of raising my American child. I recorded his daily activity and remember typing up a memo to throw him in therapy in his toddler years. It's portable, old, and rare. But that's not why it's so valuable. The sentimental value it has with me is so great it's priceless, but here it is—a squillion, mamillion, godzillion, yo-momma's-illion and twenty-three cents. Or best offer.

Local pick-up only. Call me at this number [OMITTED TO PROTECT THE BRITISH], my name is Arthur.


	4. Rusty Crowbars

****Anime**: **Axis Powers Hetalia**  
><strong>Rating<strong>:** T ****  
>Warnings<strong>: **Language****  
>Pairings<strong>:** None****  
>Disclaimer<strong>: **Me no own the hetalia of the axis of the powers or Craigslist.****  
>Notes: <strong>**Russia's Craigslist Ad.

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><p><strong>Rusty Crowbars<strong>

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><p>Date: 20**-03-09, 2:10PM MSK<p>

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><p>I have a lot of rusty crowbars in my garage. Like, dozens of them. Most have rust. And blood. Dried, mind you. Fantastic for breaking down doors like the mothafuckin' KGB. Those were the good old days.<p>

Give me a call FIRST and BEFORE you show up if you want them. Cause if you just show up at my front porch askin' for a crowbar you 'finna get a crowbar... to the head.

I'm kidding. Don't report me, please. I'm seriously just trying to get rid of crowbars. Nothing illegal was condoned with those crowbars, please put the war behind you. It's all water under the bridge Mama, you did not see me strangle that man with sister's ribbon...

So yeah. Crowbars. Maybe some pipes. Random plumbing accessories that actually turned into fantastic weapons when expertly wielded. Come and get them while I'm still detained.

[NUMBER OMITTED TO PROTECT YOU]


End file.
